I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
