Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
