How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
