the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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