Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
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