I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
