Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
3 2 1 whiskey
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
