News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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