I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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