i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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