its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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