Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize