I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
