im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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