i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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