A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My first STD was from a foam party
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
