Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
