i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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