You really coming over, don't trick.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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