he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize