I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
