my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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