sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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