My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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