You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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