It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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