Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You smell like a Billy Joel song
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
