So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
