I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
