if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
