Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
