I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
