alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
