Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
