Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
