i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
