Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
