Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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