She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
