if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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