I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
