Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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