did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
