Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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