I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
there is puke in my bra ... again
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