i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
