I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize