He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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