the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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