why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
