I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I looked at my own cervix.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
