My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
