I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
