What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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