God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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