In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
