You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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