I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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