the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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