In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
