you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
