you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
