Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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